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In the past few weeks, through various incidents that have happened in the media and in mutual friends life, I have been questioning a particular topic, that a lot of people steer away from. That or people find these topics too touchy, personal and upsetting. I couldn't agree more with them. I even struggled to put a title to my blog as I didn't know how to word it. Since the sudden death of Charlotte Dawson, an Australian Icon, who struggled for so long with depression in her life, who yet was so successful and many people looked up to, hung herself on the 23rd February 2014.

With much sadness to mention this as well, my brothers friend recently tried to kill himself too. He jumped off an apartment building, broke his back, all his limbs, legs and feet,  is now in a wheelchair and will never walk again. When I met my brothers friend in the past before, I thought this kid was the sweetest person ever. He was one of the few friends I liked of my brother. To hear this, I can't help to think; Why? The worst part was, he portrayed himself as someone who was happy yet quiet but I just wouldn't expect it.
A few of my family members suffer from Depression. It is a common thing. 1 in 4 Australians will or have suffered from Depression and still have it. The scary thought is, how far the mind can go, when someone reaches that lowness in their life, where they just can't go on with life anymore.
Research says that every year in the world, 1 MILLION people commit suicide.

I have never spoken about this to anyone, to be honest I am still coming to terms to why this person did this. A few years ago, when I was working at a clothing store, I had a good friend who worked with me there named Josh. Josh was your class clown, loud, confident, full of energy and he was everybody's friend. He was also a church boy. He went to youth group every Friday night religiously. Josh had one best friend. His best friend was Timmy. Timmy was probably the most caring, nicest human being on the planet. Words cannot explain how nice he was. I think I am a nice person but Timmy was someone that would do anything for anyone. Including me. The first time I met Timmy was when he was visiting Josh at work and you would know when Timmy was coming to visit. This energy would just automatically lift as soon as he came in. He was the happiest kid ever and when I was having a shocking day at work, he would come in and I would instantly feel better. He was one of those people that would just know how to make your day amazing.
Timmy would always persist me to come to Youth Group.
Timmy: Your coming this Friday aren't you Tam?
Me: No I can't I have .. something on (always made an excuse.)
Timmy: You HAVE to come one day, promise me you will, you will thank me the day you do come.

I had always been raised as a Christian, but over the years when my mum and dad got divorced when I was 15, the church disowned us because of this, and throughout my years I slowly disconnected myself with God, stopped going to church, stopped believing.
I only realised this now, but when I was 18 till about 21years old, I was not a happy person. I was quite miserable and I couldn't connect the dots as to why.
One day at work, Timmy brought in this guy who was a pastor of a church in Melbourne, who was preaching at their Youth group on Friday. Timmy tried asking me again about going to Youth Group.
His friend Ben then stepped in."Why can't you go?"
I felt myself, wanting to lie but I couldn't and i just said: "I am scared."
Ben: If I get up on that stage tonight and I don't see your face in the crowd, I will not preach.
Well, you can imagine the pressure I felt after he said that. I felt like saying FY(U#()*U$O to you, mr gorgeous Ben man, who I couldn't say no to.
In the end, I rocked up, i had the best time, Timmy and Josh were both there and from that incident, I found myself believing in God again.
But that's not the story I am trying to tell. Since that day, Timmy, every now and then started to call me, very randomly. Asking me to come to youth again, wanted to hang out. I even would get the odd phone calls in the middle of the night and it was as if he wanted to talk for hours, or say something in particular and I couldn't figure out at the time what it was. I was certain he wasn't drunk. He was training to be a Pastor. He was 110% Christian, read the bible every night, loved God, type of person. He literally in my eyes, was an angel, there was not one bad thing about him.

I noticed one week, Josh wasn't at work, I must've thought he was at Youth Camp or something. The week after when he was finally at work, I asked him where he had been and he said he was at a funeral.
Me: Who's funeral?
Josh: Timmy's.
Me: What!? how? What happened?
Josh: You see, Timmy was very sick and he decided to take his life.

I just didn't understand, I was so shocked, i nearly fell over. That's when all the phone calls had started to piece together to me. I didn't even see the signs. How can someone that was so loving, so dedicated to God, who beamed so much positivity and happiness, just decides to give their life up?
It made me realise that some people might be the most happiest people on the planet, or they want you to believe that, maybe they even want to believe that themselves, but deep down, their depression takes them to the lowest point until they give up on themselves and give up on life.
This blog, I wanted to dedicate it, to Timmy and to everyone that has experienced something as horrific as that. Josh from then on continued to work somewhere else, moved areas and last I heard he was still working somewhere near the beach and doing Personal training.
I take my hat off to anyone who knows someone close that had that happen to them. You are such strong individuals. I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart. I look up to my step dad who found his dad as a kid in the bathroom shower. He's someone who worked so hard in his life and is a successful person and has the best heart.
My point is, or what I am trying to get at is, a simple smile, a compliment, or a kind gesture can change someones life. It can make a bad day turn to good. I have been more weary now of what I say to people especially these days when you don't know what the individual is going through. This blog is just to make us more aware of how common suicides are in the world, even in Australia.

I will never forget Timmy, he changed me life, without him even knowing. I pray for him and his family everyday. I am always thinking of you and still see you in my dreams smiling. I know you are in a better place.

Tam xx